I don't know when it started, but most of my so-called hobbies have been abandoned. I began to miss the leisure time I had in college and regret wasting it. Since starting work, my blog has been neglected, lacking the passion to explore and write about various platforms. After work and on weekends, I lie in bed scrolling through my phone, watching TV, filling my fragmented and chunky free time.
I've always admired people who take the time to read books and those who are disciplined in going to bed and waking up early, because I can't do what they do. I often make various plans for myself, whether it's going to the gym, reading every day, or learning a new skill, but I can never stick to them for long. Usually, I get excited and make plans late at night, only to act like nothing happened the next day, unable to follow through. I long for change, but without external motivation, I can't do it. I like making plans but rarely follow through. When I planned to change jobs in the second half of 22, it was probably the most disciplined I've been in recent years, studying various skills every day and spending a whole day at the library on weekends. I might not be able to do that now.
I consider myself a sensitive person, and emotions often cloud my objectivity. I unconditionally support those I like and magnify the actions of those I dislike, deepening my aversion. As some online analyses suggest, people with an INFJ personality have many facets, and different people see different sides of me. What they see is only what I want them to see. Liked leaders see me as a responsive and efficient subordinate, while disliked leaders see me as someone who opposes them in everything. Those I like see me as someone who always considers their needs, while those I dislike see me as easily irritated and temperamental.
I've noticed that I've started habitually negating others, which is strange and something I dislike. When a friend shares something they find interesting, my initial reaction is to think it's ordinary and common. I always believe that my current decisions are the best and only realize how silly they were when I look back later.
I easily internalize conflicts, often focusing on unrealistic things. In reality, spending holidays alone without friends is lonely, desiring stable emotional relationships, and wanting to constantly improve to see a broader world. I fear loneliness, fear making firm decisions, have no plans for my future, and feel lost, yet indifferent. In terms of relationships, I can't tell if I like them or not, or if I'm simply dependent on the current stagnant relationship. I always think I'm still young, but in reality, I'm not that young anymore.
But how should I move forward in the future?